what the hell

do you take me for.

La Raison D'etre

Just finished watching Neon Genesis Evangelion, a seemingly mecha series until they introduce the real plot and your perceptions get screwed up, at least, if you watch it right. It questions life as we live, it doesn't tell you how you should live it but rather provokes you to ponder on it.

The whole show is interlaced by almost branwashing rapidflashscenes and scores of classical pieces that do not seem to fit, yet bring out the irony of situations and the bitterness of life.

It is the story of how you become you in the instrumentality of the links between you and others and yet you experience what they call the "hedgehogs dilemna" where you wish to get closer to another for warmth, but the spines hurt you the closer you get. We desire human contact, human understanding, human love but as humans we can never understand each other, we can touch no more than the surface, and because of that we tend to hurt each other. Mistimed words, awkward situations, uncomfortable actions, misjudged feelings - the pain of a human relationship.

To escape pain and confinement and stress you desire a world of freedom, a world without anything- not laws or gravity or nature or light or sound or feeling. Nothing but yourself such that you have no restrictions placed upon you by the hopes and expectations of others. Of course, there is unease as without others expectations you have no expectations and you do not know where to start, how to start, what to start. And so you create a top and bottom to make your universe simpler to view, to help distincfy your choices and options. So you restrict yourself,by giving yourself a limitation, a cage. Humans cannot cope without our prohibitions and rules, these are pens to write upon the blank sheets that we are.

As people we see the truth as told by others, happy when sunny, sad when rainy, we are taught that and believe it as the truth, but we may not feel that in reality and that seperates truth from reality. The truths we believe in can be changed and manipulated simply by the reality of others as our own realities change the truth of anothers. The fragility of truth screams of its cheapness, of its fickleness such that people wish to know a deeper truth, a hidden truth that represents justification, that really means itself - the truth. But there isn't one. (unless you believe in God, then perhaps..)

In the end, no matter how we are brought to life, by sex or cloning or test-tubes or mitosis or holy creation, we need each other to survive, to build our souls. Without others, you do not know what you are like for people are the mirrors that show you what you are and what you do. You get to know your own shape by seeing the shapes of others, you see the walls of others to imagine yourself, you cannot see yourself unless there are others. For because there are others that we are ourselves, and because we are different, we are more than nothing, we are more than a world of limbo for we are distinct.

I live to see tomorrow. To see the people of tomorrow. To know the people of tomorrow. Spines hurt and poison but they define me and define others, no matter the pain, the warmth after is always worth it.

This is no challenge.

No taunt.

No suggestion or invocation.

What do you live for?

once and twice

Today started with a...DISLOCATION! But first a word from our "sponsors". Converse Century with collectible wooden box! Apparently only about 300 (of each or altogether i wouldn't know) are shipped to each continent. I'd like to get my hands on one of these, even though i'm not that big a converse fan.

And back to our programme.

It hurt, the dislocation that is. I woke, put my hands behind my head and flex-stretched-yawned-something and crack-rip-crack. (no really it sounds like crackign and ripping)
Muttering "shitshitfuckdamnit" i had to slowly lift my arm to a 90 degree angle, before relaxing my muscles as much as possible so as to ease the joint back in, with a painless double crack-squish.
It stung for a while, but i was tired, so i slept another hour or so.

After actually getting out of bed, i began to realise that despite the initial mind blowing pain my shoulder was feeling much better. Previously simple actions shot pain up and down my arm but now, its only at extreme angles (which i shouldn't be in) that there is some amount of pain.

Conclusion: the first time i must have let some muscle get pinched in the joint and this recent dislocation fixed that. A radical, but pain-relieving remedy.

So the chinese say fight poison with poison, yi 毒攻毒. (ya couldn't find the word yi to copy-n-paste)

melancholy days

When you're recovering you learn to take things slow. The rigours of an urbanized, competitive lifestyle sloughs away as you force yourself to relax so your body heals. You learn patience, you learn acceptance, you rediscover yourself.

Yesterday i dislocated my shoulder again, the difference being it didn't pop back itself and that i had to ease myself into a position in which it would. Another difference lying in the pain. it is not mind-bendingly excruciating, yet i can feel its malice, like a hint of greater destruction to come to my battered shoulder. the muscles are strained and aching, the joint loose and stiff.

Like a scene in a matrix my movements become painstakingly slow and my left side restrains itself to match the right. Simple motions like picking an object from the floor, or raising a glass to my mouth become actions that require care and calculation. While trying to cut a piece of duck with my spoon and fork, my arm shoots agony and spasms like a jammed gear system.

So i learned, again, to slow down. Everytime i return to the reality of the quick ruthless world my arm pulls me back, as if to say i should learn to take things at a slower pace, at a relaxed and comfortable pace.

Fears of being left behind have always hovered at the back of my head, scary but ignored, distanced but possible. This slow way may salve my soul and heal my body with that price. Whether its worth it i do not know, but as always, i surrender myself to what i call a chain of possibities and hope for the best. As always.

this way but not that

i could give all without thought.

why not you too.