whats the point
me> i think im going to need counselling for depression soon.
b> noneed la you've been fine for the past few years what.
me> oh, ya.
It dawned upon me how i've probably been living with minor (i hope) depression for the past half decade or so. Though i found a way to make myelf stay alive and focused somewhat it gets tiring sometimes and in times when my normal routine is broken the effects really seem to spill out.
Do you wake up each day and the first conscious thought you have is "whats the point?" and you just don't want to move? Can you lie in bed for hours even when you've woken up just repeating whats the point in your head? Sometimes my mother thinks i sleep 12hours on weekends because i'm tired after a school week, actually its just 6 or so cause the rest of the time i'm just awake but having no impulsion to sit up and live.
I guess it began a long time ago in primary school where after enduring rigorous mental brainwashing by my parents that i started asking myself "whats there in life?". After all when you've been stripped of your dreams, of the compulsion and ability to create dreams, there isn't much in life to look forward to, just the purposeless, inevitable path that i seemed to have to walk. I remember a stupid icebreaker game the OGLs played at Changi where someone asked "have you ever considered suicide?", i thought "yea, primary 4." That shocked me.
I still don't have a dream, no goal, no purpose, no sense of future. At least i'd learnt to deal with my chronic depression, no not drugs or alcohol but by engrossing myself. I am the type who tends to spend long periods of time reading, gaming, training, the type who walks around glazedly thinking about something else rather than reality. Its because only when i immerse myself into a linear, engulfing experience that i can stop thinking of the fatal three words that turns me into a near comatose state. Even blogging, like now, is a way of staying distracted.
Thats why when my friends bring me around i never know where i'm going, where i am, thats why i always miss stops and forget thoughts. All because if i let my mind stay grounded to reality for too long, i'd end up sinking into depression. Thats why i think and contemplate and theorize enough to come up with wierd, random posts just like this.
As a young boy i suffered severe imsomnia, not that my mother ever believes her child (destined to support her) could be less than perfect, and so i had lots of time to contemplate life and people. I would think of how my parents, my siblings, my relatives, classmates and teachers treated me, treated others, behaved, talked, moved, thought and i would try to link everyone together, to find a reason behind their actions to understand them better. To understand why they why they did everything.
Now its more or less a subconscious pastime so that my mind stays unfocused. Like a spoilt dam the data just enters and formulates by itself, keeping me constantly sidetracked inside. I think everyone does something like that, evident in how we can say "i doubt he meants it" or "i didnt expect that", because we look at people through the translucent image that we created in our minds.
These past few months i had softball training to tire me out and to keep my mind too lethargic to think. As can be seen by the sudden influx of stupid emotional posts the lack of activity while i was confined to a hospital (and my own) bed for 2 weeks forced me to think about such things. After all i couldnt constantly think of softball, work, movies, people for 2 straight weeks, my thoughts inadvertantly but constantly finds their way to such topics.
Anyway i think its a checkmate. I doubt theres any more hope for softball - for me that is. Cause my eye isn't really well, i haven't seen the coach, let alone trained for almost a month, and most importantly, the first game is on sunday, this sunday. It has been the reason for me going to school - the only reason - for the past few months, the light at the end of a day of lectures. Still, its over, the flings ended but yet its more of an expected conclusion rather than a shock. The past few weeks had been a tormentious period of endless praying, hoping,wishing with white fists that i'd be able to recover, that i'd be able to train, that i could go back for that one last shot. I guess i can almost sigh a sad relief that its nearly over. That all i need to do is hear the results of their first official match - that i missed - to tell me with a slap in the face that i'm done.
Its really the end, I'm not an excellent player like Park or Yongkiat and neither am i going to get any experience (no play, no gain) so i'd never get into the NS team (or whatever) and so there isn't really much of a chance for me to play softball again in my life. Its not just a "cool off time", its the whole "fuck you i want a divorce i dont ever wanna see you again". And thats exactly how i feel.
Thats one more hole thats been dug somewhere inside me. I can find it, prod it but i can't cover it up with rocks and sand cause it never closes. Thats another hole for me to curl up in as i wake up in the morning, unwilling to move my body to even slide off the bed. My alarm clock in the morning isn't the spongebob squarepants that my phone plays or the increase in heat as the air-con switches off but purpose. All i need is to find something to do as i wake up to tell me "thats the point" and i get rid of the lethargy.
I need to find another reason. I need to find another sedative for depression. I need another pill.
I need a life.
Just let me sleep
b> noneed la you've been fine for the past few years what.
me> oh, ya.
It dawned upon me how i've probably been living with minor (i hope) depression for the past half decade or so. Though i found a way to make myelf stay alive and focused somewhat it gets tiring sometimes and in times when my normal routine is broken the effects really seem to spill out.
Do you wake up each day and the first conscious thought you have is "whats the point?" and you just don't want to move? Can you lie in bed for hours even when you've woken up just repeating whats the point in your head? Sometimes my mother thinks i sleep 12hours on weekends because i'm tired after a school week, actually its just 6 or so cause the rest of the time i'm just awake but having no impulsion to sit up and live.
I guess it began a long time ago in primary school where after enduring rigorous mental brainwashing by my parents that i started asking myself "whats there in life?". After all when you've been stripped of your dreams, of the compulsion and ability to create dreams, there isn't much in life to look forward to, just the purposeless, inevitable path that i seemed to have to walk. I remember a stupid icebreaker game the OGLs played at Changi where someone asked "have you ever considered suicide?", i thought "yea, primary 4." That shocked me.
I still don't have a dream, no goal, no purpose, no sense of future. At least i'd learnt to deal with my chronic depression, no not drugs or alcohol but by engrossing myself. I am the type who tends to spend long periods of time reading, gaming, training, the type who walks around glazedly thinking about something else rather than reality. Its because only when i immerse myself into a linear, engulfing experience that i can stop thinking of the fatal three words that turns me into a near comatose state. Even blogging, like now, is a way of staying distracted.
Thats why when my friends bring me around i never know where i'm going, where i am, thats why i always miss stops and forget thoughts. All because if i let my mind stay grounded to reality for too long, i'd end up sinking into depression. Thats why i think and contemplate and theorize enough to come up with wierd, random posts just like this.
As a young boy i suffered severe imsomnia, not that my mother ever believes her child (destined to support her) could be less than perfect, and so i had lots of time to contemplate life and people. I would think of how my parents, my siblings, my relatives, classmates and teachers treated me, treated others, behaved, talked, moved, thought and i would try to link everyone together, to find a reason behind their actions to understand them better. To understand why they why they did everything.
Now its more or less a subconscious pastime so that my mind stays unfocused. Like a spoilt dam the data just enters and formulates by itself, keeping me constantly sidetracked inside. I think everyone does something like that, evident in how we can say "i doubt he meants it" or "i didnt expect that", because we look at people through the translucent image that we created in our minds.
These past few months i had softball training to tire me out and to keep my mind too lethargic to think. As can be seen by the sudden influx of stupid emotional posts the lack of activity while i was confined to a hospital (and my own) bed for 2 weeks forced me to think about such things. After all i couldnt constantly think of softball, work, movies, people for 2 straight weeks, my thoughts inadvertantly but constantly finds their way to such topics.
Anyway i think its a checkmate. I doubt theres any more hope for softball - for me that is. Cause my eye isn't really well, i haven't seen the coach, let alone trained for almost a month, and most importantly, the first game is on sunday, this sunday. It has been the reason for me going to school - the only reason - for the past few months, the light at the end of a day of lectures. Still, its over, the flings ended but yet its more of an expected conclusion rather than a shock. The past few weeks had been a tormentious period of endless praying, hoping,wishing with white fists that i'd be able to recover, that i'd be able to train, that i could go back for that one last shot. I guess i can almost sigh a sad relief that its nearly over. That all i need to do is hear the results of their first official match - that i missed - to tell me with a slap in the face that i'm done.
Its really the end, I'm not an excellent player like Park or Yongkiat and neither am i going to get any experience (no play, no gain) so i'd never get into the NS team (or whatever) and so there isn't really much of a chance for me to play softball again in my life. Its not just a "cool off time", its the whole "fuck you i want a divorce i dont ever wanna see you again". And thats exactly how i feel.
Thats one more hole thats been dug somewhere inside me. I can find it, prod it but i can't cover it up with rocks and sand cause it never closes. Thats another hole for me to curl up in as i wake up in the morning, unwilling to move my body to even slide off the bed. My alarm clock in the morning isn't the spongebob squarepants that my phone plays or the increase in heat as the air-con switches off but purpose. All i need is to find something to do as i wake up to tell me "thats the point" and i get rid of the lethargy.
I need to find another reason. I need to find another sedative for depression. I need another pill.
I need a life.
Just let me sleep
posted by slipperdan at 12:14 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home