cold
The rain today maade the weather cold, very very cold. People everywhere were wearing jackets and sweaters and extra layers to keep out cold. James complained about the lateness of the softball sweater. The softball sweater makes me think of the softball cap which makes me think of the softball team and training and everything else thats linked.
Its been 2 weeks. Officially, according to the doctor, i'm supposed to be well in health enough to resume "all normal activities". Despite this, my eye doesnt seem to have healed much, perhaps it has, but the gradual change was unnnoticed. Either way it doesnt seem like i'll be able to train for another week, though of course neither is anyone due to year2 common tests. But it makes me wonder about whats going to happen after my eye has stabilised, whats going to happen with this jacket that park insisted i will be getting, that some insist i take, and some who may be wishing i wouldnt.
If after everything is settled and resolved and my eye ends up (touch wood) incapable of keeping up with a speeding ball, leaving me no choice but to close the softball chapter of my life. I suppose i'll still be putting that jacket to use. The cap as well, i guess. I dont know why, i guess its the fact i can at least bear to wear it without feeling my self esteem slither away. Perhaps i'd feel like i'd retained some bit of worthiness to wear it, if only just barely.
Of course another possibility is that my eye recovers fully and my sight is better than ever (no more lazy eye!) but i end up getting led off the field by someone each time. I supposed i'll give it all up. If my passion can't even overcome cowardice and sniveling self interest i'll probably be too ashamed to don the jacket, to keep the cap. I may not even accept it for memories sake, after all what kind of memories would i want to remember if there was such an ending to them.
I feel stupid constantly thinking about this rather than concentrating on catching up with my colossal stack of un-read notes but its a phase that hasnt ended. This part of my life is still in transition with many - too many - unanswered questions, unaddressed issues, unsaid thoughts and underlying emotions. I'm not sure of what some people are thinking, they're attitudes to me have changed so drastically i don't know what to say to them and they don't even seem to notice me. I was standing and staring at someone like that on tuesday- he didn't even notice.
I guess this is another self-centred, boring emo post. I'm sorry, but this is whats on my mind all this time, everytime. I know i need to move on before common test starts, but i also know that i can't, and i won't.
cold people
Its been 2 weeks. Officially, according to the doctor, i'm supposed to be well in health enough to resume "all normal activities". Despite this, my eye doesnt seem to have healed much, perhaps it has, but the gradual change was unnnoticed. Either way it doesnt seem like i'll be able to train for another week, though of course neither is anyone due to year2 common tests. But it makes me wonder about whats going to happen after my eye has stabilised, whats going to happen with this jacket that park insisted i will be getting, that some insist i take, and some who may be wishing i wouldnt.
If after everything is settled and resolved and my eye ends up (touch wood) incapable of keeping up with a speeding ball, leaving me no choice but to close the softball chapter of my life. I suppose i'll still be putting that jacket to use. The cap as well, i guess. I dont know why, i guess its the fact i can at least bear to wear it without feeling my self esteem slither away. Perhaps i'd feel like i'd retained some bit of worthiness to wear it, if only just barely.
Of course another possibility is that my eye recovers fully and my sight is better than ever (no more lazy eye!) but i end up getting led off the field by someone each time. I supposed i'll give it all up. If my passion can't even overcome cowardice and sniveling self interest i'll probably be too ashamed to don the jacket, to keep the cap. I may not even accept it for memories sake, after all what kind of memories would i want to remember if there was such an ending to them.
I feel stupid constantly thinking about this rather than concentrating on catching up with my colossal stack of un-read notes but its a phase that hasnt ended. This part of my life is still in transition with many - too many - unanswered questions, unaddressed issues, unsaid thoughts and underlying emotions. I'm not sure of what some people are thinking, they're attitudes to me have changed so drastically i don't know what to say to them and they don't even seem to notice me. I was standing and staring at someone like that on tuesday- he didn't even notice.
I guess this is another self-centred, boring emo post. I'm sorry, but this is whats on my mind all this time, everytime. I know i need to move on before common test starts, but i also know that i can't, and i won't.
cold people
posted by slipperdan at 6:12 PM
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