thought

I feel like i shouldnt be blogging. Shouldn't be near the computer in the first place...But i'm here, and i'm blogging. so fuckit.

I'm not sure what to feel, give me this "holiday" 2 years ago and i'll be freaking happy, even if i can't do anything during this "break". I dont feel this way though. Time passes wierdly, in stops and starts, i lose track of time and slip into phases of contemplation or stagnation.

How will i catch up with work? Can i make myself work to do it?

worse.

How will i live without softball?

Wee came to the hospital to tell me has to let me go cause he "cant bear to see me get injured again". How inspiring in his confidence. Even the news that i should recover completely in 2 or 3 weeks was shattered by that line, the meaning behind that line. For the past 7 months or so i've spent lotsa time in softball, I've grown to love the people, the game, the spirit. I could throw for hours and not get bored, bat forever and still feel kick. I even love the late nights and the fatigue.

I can't imagine all that disappearing from my life.

I can't imagine ending school with nothing to do but to go home and study. I cant imagine spending the day in lessons looking forward to nothing. I cant imagine passing the field without remembering. I can't imagine the void.

My right eye tears with eyedrops, but my left tears when i think about this.

I dont wanna go.

I dont wanna think of how lifes gonna be when i go back

I dont wanna cry...

let me live.