appalling
I'm shocked at how i've become weaker, flabbier, slower. I just got back from bringing groceries home from the market and the light weight of the 5 or 6 plastic bags gave me more than just a little trouble as i stumbled home with them. I've truly languished for the past two months as i faced injury after debilitating injury due to my carelessness and assuming nature. I can only blame my own stupidity.
Currently I'm not even sure if i can train, while i do light weights at home now and then i still feel the worry that an intense training programme may aggravate my eye. I'm not worried about the shoulder now, thats taken care of. The doctor told me i could use my arm as normal, just no swimming, no pull-ups or push-ups for 6 months or "it will pop out", to quote him. He specifically said "you can throw" even, not that it matters anymore.
In a way there is a sense of irony and bitter regret that as i finally get the go-ahead to start usign my full strength in throwing and batting and gymming i sustain another injury. Thats perhaps one of the issues thats been nagging away in my chest, reminding me of how twists of fates and coincidences are not as uncommon as you would think. Well like i said, i assume too much for my own good and that ultimately has been the cause of many if not all of my problems. Anyway i suppose they've long finished their games for today, but i wouldn't know, i haven't heard anything from them and somehow i doubt i will be hearing anything from them till someone remembers me. I deign to ask them, in a silly way i believe i can still retain some pride by doing so. Buts its okay, its alright, good job, whatever the outcome was.
I am an envious, regretful person. Whilst contemplating i tear myself apart for things i did, for things i didn't do, for things that will never affect me again but were humiliating in that one short moment. I'm not even sure why i torment myself over memories and times long past, especially those that have no impact whatsoever. Yet in a hypocritical mockery of myself i keep telling people how theres no point fretting over whats been done, whats unchangeable. Perhaps its that small altruistic part hidden in me thats telling me to comfort people such that they will not be a fool like me. Possibly its because by giving such advice i can make it more of a reality for myself and one day i can convince myself to forget. Or maybe its just me spewing pseudo-philosophical nonsense as usual.
This incident will certainly haunt me again in the future as a shade that manifests and multiplies and splits itself into a million different forms to torment me. Even now i sometimes sit and wonder for long moments how things could have been had i been an fc and dodged the ball, or had i been less assuming and been more ready for it. What i might do in a game, what i could do in all the different situations, how the team might fare as a whole. How, what, may, if, could have, would have, might have, should have - these words keep springing up and in their presence i crumble with the self-pity i always find myself wallowing in. It is my nature, my pathetic, loathsome nature to indulge myself in wasting time on unchangeable pasts that boast no lessons to teach, no values to offer.
I hate me.
and you do too
Currently I'm not even sure if i can train, while i do light weights at home now and then i still feel the worry that an intense training programme may aggravate my eye. I'm not worried about the shoulder now, thats taken care of. The doctor told me i could use my arm as normal, just no swimming, no pull-ups or push-ups for 6 months or "it will pop out", to quote him. He specifically said "you can throw" even, not that it matters anymore.
In a way there is a sense of irony and bitter regret that as i finally get the go-ahead to start usign my full strength in throwing and batting and gymming i sustain another injury. Thats perhaps one of the issues thats been nagging away in my chest, reminding me of how twists of fates and coincidences are not as uncommon as you would think. Well like i said, i assume too much for my own good and that ultimately has been the cause of many if not all of my problems. Anyway i suppose they've long finished their games for today, but i wouldn't know, i haven't heard anything from them and somehow i doubt i will be hearing anything from them till someone remembers me. I deign to ask them, in a silly way i believe i can still retain some pride by doing so. Buts its okay, its alright, good job, whatever the outcome was.
I am an envious, regretful person. Whilst contemplating i tear myself apart for things i did, for things i didn't do, for things that will never affect me again but were humiliating in that one short moment. I'm not even sure why i torment myself over memories and times long past, especially those that have no impact whatsoever. Yet in a hypocritical mockery of myself i keep telling people how theres no point fretting over whats been done, whats unchangeable. Perhaps its that small altruistic part hidden in me thats telling me to comfort people such that they will not be a fool like me. Possibly its because by giving such advice i can make it more of a reality for myself and one day i can convince myself to forget. Or maybe its just me spewing pseudo-philosophical nonsense as usual.
This incident will certainly haunt me again in the future as a shade that manifests and multiplies and splits itself into a million different forms to torment me. Even now i sometimes sit and wonder for long moments how things could have been had i been an fc and dodged the ball, or had i been less assuming and been more ready for it. What i might do in a game, what i could do in all the different situations, how the team might fare as a whole. How, what, may, if, could have, would have, might have, should have - these words keep springing up and in their presence i crumble with the self-pity i always find myself wallowing in. It is my nature, my pathetic, loathsome nature to indulge myself in wasting time on unchangeable pasts that boast no lessons to teach, no values to offer.
I hate me.
and you do too
posted by slipperdan at 5:20 PM
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