painful pulse

I close my eyes to escape the horrors of life. But in darkness infinite possibilities exist, the horrors are multiplied, if only in my imagination. The pain moves threefold up and twofold wide, whilst i yearn to open my eyes i know the reality shocks more than the mind and the truth stings more than thought. Like hibiscus i awake each morning after death the previous day, yet to die each day gets harder, and to be reborn each morning more tiresome. The time i spend dead to the world decreases each day in a downward spiral even as i want rest. I question why to the world, to reality, to imagination. Purpose is lost. My blood flows yet it does not hurt truly, physical pain is detached from my mind, the longer i drift forward the more it runs away, the more i remain unaffected. Stigmas in my mind prevent, stereotypes confuse my views whilst distrust of my own sanity and reliability give me hesitation to the point of suspension. Animated suspension where the world passes yet i stare blankly and watch it pass, screaming within my own shell of flesh and bone, screaming for myself to act. Yet even as i pick up the pen it falls from my grasp and my thoughts walk away, my consciousness withers and i die again.

And then i wake, to despair and panic, to my shell of flesh yet again. Let me die, or let me live, so long as i escape from this in-between land of torment and questions and curtains and locked doors. I see without eyes, i hear without ears, i speak yet noone hears, i feel but noone cares. I want but cannot get. Impossibility not due to lack of possibility, but lack of will. Lack of will but not of mine. Lack of myself but not of flesh.

I lack will, i lack the hope that is a ship for our soul, i lack peace, i need that light that tells me its worth it again, i need the glow of comfort, the twinkle of concern, that trickle of love that reaches into my chest to relight my heart, to set the flame of life upon my soul again such that i may burn on my boat of hope into the light of happiness.

Yet i die again tonight, to uncertainty and pain.

Kill me or let me live, just save me from torment.